It was a gloomy day
With gloomy flowers and gloomy sky
Life was not so fine with the pain
The source of which I couldn’t define
Did the day go wrong somewhere?
Or the night didn’t pass off completely?
‘What happened there?’ is the question that still remains
In my heart, on my mind, very clearly!
Life has always questioned me for what I am
I have questioned myself for what I am and what I want to be
These questions have tormented me for many days and nights
The quest to find what is really there in me
Not being able to answer
Not being able to decide
I still question myself
Am I not capable at all?
Or is it that I am running away
Because I fear that I would find out that I am not capable at all…
Fear… Fear has been dominating my life so far
Fear of defeat
Fear of reality
Fear that I am not what I think I am
Fear that I don’t want to ‘be’
Fear of ‘I’…
Just how do I get to know this ‘I’?
Why do I want to know anyway?
Even if I finally know ‘I’
What am I going to do with that knowledge?
I am in my room with no particular place to go to
I want to get up and get out of this place
I want to run away from myself for some time at least
I am going to find the solace
But what am I running away from?
Oh, yes!!! The disappointment that has just hit me hard
The desperation to know what I want
The disillusionment that I am going through right now
I will be fine when I know
When I stop running away
When I recognise what I actually want
When I realize, when I finally decide
When I talk to someone
When I write what’s on my mind
When I narrate what I feel
I feel relieved.
That is why I am writing this poem
Trying to talk to myself
‘Ventilating’-as it is called
To be fine
And then I wrote this poem…
But one question still remained
The question that pestered me from the beginning…
Am I going to be fine?
And then I heard that song from the distance
Those words caressed the sleeping beauties
They woke up with the touch of those ever so soft fingers
Smiling… Smiling at the dreams that they just had
And then I knew, even though it would take some time
I am going to be fine.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Kariavattom Campus: an Update
Yes!!! The world seems so weird now. Now that I have actually got out of the Campus-the Campus that taught me what amotivation is and the Campus that I simply wanted to run away from. It is like that Campus is pulling me right back-to itself, to the beautiful world of not doing anything and enjoying everything that comes ones’ way. Just waiting for everything to happen in its course; not doing anything on ones’ own; not taking the initiative or the effort to do anything-that’s what I thought the Campus taught me. That’s what I thought-till now, that is…
The moment I got out of that place I missed it. For the same reasons I hated it. For amotivating me, for being idle, for being effortless, for being what it is… I found that the real world is nothing like it is in the campus. Everything just doesn’t come to you. You have to work for it. You have to take the effort. It is a jungle out there. In the real world one cannot afford to be amotivated and idle. In the real world one has to take the initiative, the effort otherwise, that one will be exactly were that one was before. He or she will not move forward neither backward. If one is happy with being where they are now, well and good otherwise, it is really frustrating. It’s usually the latter, because of the most important thing that the campus teaches-‘to move forward, no matter what’.
In the campus I was special. I was the queen of my world. I was important. Well, the campus made me feel all that. It was just me and my campus… “MY Campus”… when it is no more-mine. It never was for that matter. But, now, why do I feel that belongingness that I never felt when I was actually there? Why am I missing it? May be because I found that in the real world I am just one among the others, struggling to be someone, fighting to create my own identity, striving to live… may be because I understand now that life just doesn’t come to you so easily as it did in the campus… may be because I am afraid to go into the real world… or may be because I just loved (even though I kept denying it) the campus…
As they say, ‘you never know the importance of something in your life until you lose it and someone else has it’.
The moment I got out of that place I missed it. For the same reasons I hated it. For amotivating me, for being idle, for being effortless, for being what it is… I found that the real world is nothing like it is in the campus. Everything just doesn’t come to you. You have to work for it. You have to take the effort. It is a jungle out there. In the real world one cannot afford to be amotivated and idle. In the real world one has to take the initiative, the effort otherwise, that one will be exactly were that one was before. He or she will not move forward neither backward. If one is happy with being where they are now, well and good otherwise, it is really frustrating. It’s usually the latter, because of the most important thing that the campus teaches-‘to move forward, no matter what’.
In the campus I was special. I was the queen of my world. I was important. Well, the campus made me feel all that. It was just me and my campus… “MY Campus”… when it is no more-mine. It never was for that matter. But, now, why do I feel that belongingness that I never felt when I was actually there? Why am I missing it? May be because I found that in the real world I am just one among the others, struggling to be someone, fighting to create my own identity, striving to live… may be because I understand now that life just doesn’t come to you so easily as it did in the campus… may be because I am afraid to go into the real world… or may be because I just loved (even though I kept denying it) the campus…
As they say, ‘you never know the importance of something in your life until you lose it and someone else has it’.
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