Why???

Why are there dew drops on the leaves every morning?
Why do the rain drops come down to the earth?
Why is it that the sun rises and sets, to rise again?
Why do children cry at birth?

Why is life so complicated?
Why life is not yet understood?
Why is life sometimes so senseless?
Why does life sometimes feel endless?

Why have the reasons not found the answers yet?
Why did the light not shine on the quest?
Why didn’t the fish get out of the net?
Why have I not got what I deserve to get?

Why is there this emptiness in me that everyone seems to see?
Why is there the fear in me that everyone seems to know except me?
Why have the words of people I do not care about influence what I feel?
Why is there a life in me with which I don’t want to deal?

Why are there so many questions in me?
Why isn’t the darkness driving me crazy?
Why is it that I do not seem to know what I want to be?
Why are the words deserting me?

Why do we hurt someone whom we love the most?
Why does my heart pain when you’re crying?
Why do we find happiness in the wounds given by someone we love?
Why does my soul search for the pain that resists dying?

Why am I searching for the meaning?
Why am I thinking these thoughts?
Why am I trying to analyze myself?
Why? Am I going to hit the rocks?

Why???

My Dream

The first thing I can remember is calling Immanuel sir, to ask him if he has corrected my methodology draft. He told me that he had done a little and he was very angry with me for not coming to him for discussing this before. “You are living so near to my home. Why can’t you come and visit me? We could have discussed the topic and made some progress.” Then I say, “I just want you to correct the work. Especially organize the review of literature.” He says, “I will do that, you just have to tell me what to do. Ask me for help. You simply did not show up after giving me the draft. What is wrong with you? What is bothering you? May be you think you can do it all alone, but we could have at least discussed what you have done so far. Well come and meet me in the department in 15 minutes.”

The time is 6pm. I can clearly see that on a very big black clock with white dial, and black numbers and needles. The seconds needle is making a loud sound every time it moves. That is making me very uncomfortable. I cannot see where the clock was mounted but I can see the clock very vividly.

Then I find my self in the department where Immanuel sir is waiting at the door. I ask him if he is in a hurry to go somewhere and he says he is waiting for me. Then for a long time we discuss my thesis work, read journals, and rewrite some of the work already done. He then asks me, “What is bothering you?”, and I say, “nothing”. We, for some reason, go to the computer lab and Immanuel sir switches on all the computers there. I simply sit there in a corner watching the lady (unknown to me) sitting in one of the chairs in front of the computer. I ask her who she is. She says, “It’s none of your business. I am a researcher and I am here for my work.”

When I look for Immanuel sir, he is not there. But Prathibha ma’m was there with lots of journals in her hand. I look at the clock again and its 6:45pm. I tell ma’m that I have to go to the hostel, at least by the 7pm university bus. She says she has to go too, and looks at the lady. The lady smiles and they both get up to go out. I too go out of the lab and Immanuel sir is standing near the door with the locks. I then see the university bus driving away. I get really angry and switch of all the lights and shut the grills with the teachers inside. I watch them run towards me and let them try to open the grill but they are not able to. So then I smile and open the grill.

All of us get into Immanuel sir’s car and go to this big hall. The sky is bright by now and the clock showed 10am. The hall has two doors on the opposite sides and there is a long table in the corner. Sheri is sitting on chair on one end of the table with lots of paper in front of her and a tape recorder, which she is repeatedly rewinding and listening to through her ear phones. I walk towards her asking what she is listening to and she gives me the ear phone. When I hear the first tune of the song playing in it I understood which the song was and start singing the song-Tere man ki ganga aur mere man ki jamuna ka, bol radha bol samgam hoga ke nahin.

I turn around, still singing the song and walk to the other end of the hall to go out through the door on the other side. On the way I see Sebastian staring at me. He is holding a sweet and cute little child in his arms and the child is busy looking around the room. I really want to go and hold the child but as I didn’t want to go near Sebastian I keep singing the song and walk out of the door.

There is a small uncovered veranda from which steps go down to the ground level and there are lots of trees and a small pond beside these. I get down and see Sebastian standing there, with the child. Now both of them are gazing at me. I cannot resist the temptation to play with the child and I go near. I touch the child’s cheeks and play with him for a while before asking him to come to me. The child jumps from Sebastian’s arms to come to me but Sebastian doesn’t let the child go. The child struggles to get out of Sebastian’s arms, hitting him and pushing him away, but still he hold on tight.

I get angry and ask him why he is not letting the child go, why he is not letting me hold the child for some time. He doesn’t say anything. By this time the child starts crying. I cannot stand that and I get really angry. I ask him again and again, “Why can’t I hold the child? I am mature enough to take care of a child. I have taken care of children before. He wants to come to me too. Why are you not letting him come to me? Please, can I hold him for sometime at least???”

He holds the crying child very close to him and simply shakes his head, looking right into my eye… smiling. Then he walks away, without saying a word.

I stand there alone, in the middle of all those trees and the pond beside it, crying… uncontrollably…

Kariavattom Campus

It all started with the day I stepped into this campus gate with my parents to get the application form for the M. A. Psychology course. Did I know it would turn up like this? No…. Not at all…

Kariavattom Campus... well, the first day here was great… A really motivated girl, full of dreams about her future, her destiny… She wanted so many things to happen in her life. She wanted to ‘learn’ how to be a prefect psychologist, she wanted to be the best at everything she puts her head into… In short, as every person in this campus, she also came with a hope that she would be “someone” once she finishes the course here.

Then one day, I came to join the Department of Psychology and also the University Hostel for Women, with a load of bags and suitcases, bed, buckets, everything… everyone kept staring at me, may be even thought “what a strange girl???”. My first few days in the department were scary. One doesn’t know what others expect of you, what one needs to do, and what is supposed to be done. The scary days passed and the boring days came in. There was nothing much to do in the department, actually… there was a lot to do but I did none. Tried reading books from the department library, but it would be closed whenever I felt like going in there and reading or should I say I felt like going in there whenever it was closed. The campus library was like a lullaby to me (it still is!!!) the moment I go in there, I sleep.

I agree that campus is a very beautiful place, with its trees, ‘Haimavathi Kulam’, and off course the Campus ‘Ooty’, but one cannot go to these places alone (well, it takes some time to make friends who would go out with you…). There were no shops or hotels nearby too…On top of every thing it was my first time in a hostel (you know how hostels are…). Liked the food and every thing, but got a bit home sick as we (Mom, Dad, & I) used to go out a lot when I was home. Then my only way out was to go to my Mom and Dad (who were at Kollam at that time). For weekends I would go to Kollam, every single weekend.

Days passed by, semester passed by… The first semester exams were taken very seriously, prepared for each for whole 2 days (that’s what I used to do). Assignments and seminars were prepared in an extensive way. Oh boy, was I motivated. Life moved on, the 2nd sem started and towards the middle along came the laziness, slowly, steadily, very determined… ‘Amotivation’, that’s what we, the psychology students, called it. Preparation for the exams started getting restricted to the day before the exam (motivation would come only then). Assignments and seminars were prepared in a day or two.

The social life was on full bloom. Got lots of friends (in the department as well as in other departments and the hostel) and had fun chatting, gossiping, with them on the divider. We went exploring into the ‘forests’ near the Environmental Science, Malayalam, and Politics departments whenever we got a chance. We had fun in the canteens, coffee from the store, demanding treats for every silly reason, at the occasional ‘gana mela’ and so on and so forth. I got to learn a lot about life from my friends and the friendships, from the teachers and staff in the department as well as in other offices.

Third semester also went on like this, full of fun, boredom, excitement, laziness, etc., etc… Trips to home were reduced drastically (mainly because Dad got transferred to Kanhangad). I started enjoying the campus life to a certain extent. Towards the middle of the 4th sem it suddenly struck me… The Dissertation. Where did all the motivation that I came here with go? What happened to that girl’s hopes and dreams?

It is not my story alone. It is felt by most of us in the department and (I’m sure) by students in other departments as well. Many have told me that they had so many expectations about this campus, that they will get the best training here in their respective subjects, that they will be busy all the time with their work, that they will not be able to get any free time to enjoy themselves, etc. But we have seen that this, to a certain extent, is not true. We do have lots of free time to enjoy ourselves; we are not at all busy with our work all the time (even when we should be…). Ok, so we do get the best facilities (experts in the field-the faculty, library, etc) here, but do we utilize it? No, most of us don’t.

It is said that “Once a person joins the Kariavattom Campus, he/she either finds ‘life’ or gets a Ph. D” and most of the time its true too. One either falls in love with someone here and gets married or studies really hard and gets a Ph. D. As far as I can see the most brilliant, the most talented people, with great potentials come here. Then why is it that many feel ‘amotivated’? What is the reason for the laziness that is felt to be induced into us? It is true that most of the students who passed out from here are in very good positions, but did they feel ‘amotivated’ too when they were here? Do students in other universities feel the same way during there 2nd and 3rd semesters? If all Post Graduate students felt the same, has it got something to do with their age? So many questions… no answers yet…

Hey! I could do my dissertation on that!!! Well, too late…