Why???

Why are there dew drops on the leaves every morning?
Why do the rain drops come down to the earth?
Why is it that the sun rises and sets, to rise again?
Why do children cry at birth?

Why is life so complicated?
Why life is not yet understood?
Why is life sometimes so senseless?
Why does life sometimes feel endless?

Why have the reasons not found the answers yet?
Why did the light not shine on the quest?
Why didn’t the fish get out of the net?
Why have I not got what I deserve to get?

Why is there this emptiness in me that everyone seems to see?
Why is there the fear in me that everyone seems to know except me?
Why have the words of people I do not care about influence what I feel?
Why is there a life in me with which I don’t want to deal?

Why are there so many questions in me?
Why isn’t the darkness driving me crazy?
Why is it that I do not seem to know what I want to be?
Why are the words deserting me?

Why do we hurt someone whom we love the most?
Why does my heart pain when you’re crying?
Why do we find happiness in the wounds given by someone we love?
Why does my soul search for the pain that resists dying?

Why am I searching for the meaning?
Why am I thinking these thoughts?
Why am I trying to analyze myself?
Why? Am I going to hit the rocks?

Why???

My Dream

The first thing I can remember is calling Immanuel sir, to ask him if he has corrected my methodology draft. He told me that he had done a little and he was very angry with me for not coming to him for discussing this before. “You are living so near to my home. Why can’t you come and visit me? We could have discussed the topic and made some progress.” Then I say, “I just want you to correct the work. Especially organize the review of literature.” He says, “I will do that, you just have to tell me what to do. Ask me for help. You simply did not show up after giving me the draft. What is wrong with you? What is bothering you? May be you think you can do it all alone, but we could have at least discussed what you have done so far. Well come and meet me in the department in 15 minutes.”

The time is 6pm. I can clearly see that on a very big black clock with white dial, and black numbers and needles. The seconds needle is making a loud sound every time it moves. That is making me very uncomfortable. I cannot see where the clock was mounted but I can see the clock very vividly.

Then I find my self in the department where Immanuel sir is waiting at the door. I ask him if he is in a hurry to go somewhere and he says he is waiting for me. Then for a long time we discuss my thesis work, read journals, and rewrite some of the work already done. He then asks me, “What is bothering you?”, and I say, “nothing”. We, for some reason, go to the computer lab and Immanuel sir switches on all the computers there. I simply sit there in a corner watching the lady (unknown to me) sitting in one of the chairs in front of the computer. I ask her who she is. She says, “It’s none of your business. I am a researcher and I am here for my work.”

When I look for Immanuel sir, he is not there. But Prathibha ma’m was there with lots of journals in her hand. I look at the clock again and its 6:45pm. I tell ma’m that I have to go to the hostel, at least by the 7pm university bus. She says she has to go too, and looks at the lady. The lady smiles and they both get up to go out. I too go out of the lab and Immanuel sir is standing near the door with the locks. I then see the university bus driving away. I get really angry and switch of all the lights and shut the grills with the teachers inside. I watch them run towards me and let them try to open the grill but they are not able to. So then I smile and open the grill.

All of us get into Immanuel sir’s car and go to this big hall. The sky is bright by now and the clock showed 10am. The hall has two doors on the opposite sides and there is a long table in the corner. Sheri is sitting on chair on one end of the table with lots of paper in front of her and a tape recorder, which she is repeatedly rewinding and listening to through her ear phones. I walk towards her asking what she is listening to and she gives me the ear phone. When I hear the first tune of the song playing in it I understood which the song was and start singing the song-Tere man ki ganga aur mere man ki jamuna ka, bol radha bol samgam hoga ke nahin.

I turn around, still singing the song and walk to the other end of the hall to go out through the door on the other side. On the way I see Sebastian staring at me. He is holding a sweet and cute little child in his arms and the child is busy looking around the room. I really want to go and hold the child but as I didn’t want to go near Sebastian I keep singing the song and walk out of the door.

There is a small uncovered veranda from which steps go down to the ground level and there are lots of trees and a small pond beside these. I get down and see Sebastian standing there, with the child. Now both of them are gazing at me. I cannot resist the temptation to play with the child and I go near. I touch the child’s cheeks and play with him for a while before asking him to come to me. The child jumps from Sebastian’s arms to come to me but Sebastian doesn’t let the child go. The child struggles to get out of Sebastian’s arms, hitting him and pushing him away, but still he hold on tight.

I get angry and ask him why he is not letting the child go, why he is not letting me hold the child for some time. He doesn’t say anything. By this time the child starts crying. I cannot stand that and I get really angry. I ask him again and again, “Why can’t I hold the child? I am mature enough to take care of a child. I have taken care of children before. He wants to come to me too. Why are you not letting him come to me? Please, can I hold him for sometime at least???”

He holds the crying child very close to him and simply shakes his head, looking right into my eye… smiling. Then he walks away, without saying a word.

I stand there alone, in the middle of all those trees and the pond beside it, crying… uncontrollably…